Laws We Could Scrap - the ridiculous ones.

Nick Clegg has issued an online invitation for members of the public to suggest rules, regulations and laws that we think should be scrapped.

This is my second post examining what laws could be scrapped. In an earlier post, I was looking at some non-laws to scrap just for fun. This post will deal with some of the laws that have been left in place long after their purpose has gone and been forgotten - these are also called unrepealed laws.

These unrepealed laws would never be enforced either because the situation is no longer important or, if it is important, other laws now override them. This leaves them bizarre nuggets of knowledge, quirks of law to be known by school children, smart arses and panelists on the BBC TV's QI Show.

The first law of this kind that I remember hearing about, was one about having to practice archery every Sunday. I think this was to do with being at war with the French (100 years war era perhaps?). More recently, I seem to remember hearing that this archery law was not infact a law, but it is a popular misconception that it is.

The archery law is not on the top ten list set out below, for which I must credit Paul Birkin http://socyberty.com/law/ten-unrepealed-laws-in-the-uk/

Here we go:

(1) It is illegal to slide on ice or fly kites in a public place. (Under the Town Police Clauses Act 1847).

Now I remember getting told as a child not to slide on ice, because it made it more slippery for old people. I never knew it was illegal though. That could have been a good way to get the few children who were willing to risk an oldie or two in the name of fun.

Flying kites in a public place was a big issue right up until the end of the film, Mary Poppins when every bastard in London was flying one and singing about it too. That is the power the people have when we all want to do something - anarchy rules when there's kites to be flown!

(2) Any resident of Chester is allowed to shoot a Welshman with an arrow if he is within the city walls on a Sunday.

I live fairly near Chester, it is relatively near the English border with Wales so it is understandable where the law might of came from, presumably being at a time of war with Wales.

It is bizarre to think it has not been repealed these days though, many Welsh people live in Chester and can be seen just freely roaming around 'within the walls' which are still there. Don't take this as some kind of weird Internet threat but I reckon it would be easy to shoot a load of Welsh people on any given Sunday.

I can see a problem with this though, how do you know from your sniper vantage position (needed to get more than one), which men are really Welsh? Also I wonder if you're allowed to push or entice a Welshman to within the city walls to increase your hit rate.

(3) Taxi drivers are required to ask all passengers if they have smallpox or the plague.

This sounds like a health and safety issue first. 'Permitting' drivers to ask for their own safety. But it's more than that. Drivers are 'required' to ask, they have to ask. It doesn't say what they should do with the information, but if today's are anything to go by it would at the very least increase the fare trariff.

(4) It is illegal to eat mince-pies in England on Christmas Day

Then I am a master criminal. And I am not alone, there's a network of us who know that once you open a box of six and you fancy one or two, after a while they're half gone and you need to eat the rest to destroy the evidence.

(5) A boy under ten years of age is not allowed to see a naked mannequin.

If I just say....
"Let them say we're crazy.
What do they know?
Put your arms around me, baby, don't ever let go.
Let the world around us just fall apart.
Baby, we can make it if we're heart to heart."

Hmmmm. Naked. Hee hee.

(6) A bed may not be hung out of a window

...And usually cannot, I might add.

Like the anti kite flying law in #1, this sounds like another knee jerk law that was put in place after someone important and influential was injured (perhaps Harold Lloyd?). I think this law could stay in place, but with an exemption applied so that a bed may be hung out of a window if it knows where the bomb is and Jack Bower has only one hour left.

(7) In Scotland it is illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow.

Just in case, I think this should stay in place. I have seen nights out in Scotland and I wouldn't rule it out. In fact to be safe let's say 'livestock'

On the other hand I don't think this next one happens very often and could be another one for the law bonfire.

(8) It is illegal for a lady to eat chocolates on a public conveyance.

Oh maybe it does happen, I thought it said public convenience (WC) not public conveyance (transport).

I am not quite sure what the issue was that threw up this law. It is either about being unladylike or about greed and not sharing! I would like to hear from any ladies who have ever eaten chocs on the loo or the bus.

(9) It is illegal to be drunk on licensed premises. Yes of course there's no need for this now we have the charge of Drunk and Disorderly, which is much more flexible. Of course it could still be useful if the premises is licenced to practice brain surgery, glass tower stacking or selling tropical fish and the like.

(10) In Liverpool it is illegal for a woman to be topless in public, unless they are a clerk in a tropical fish store.

Now what the fuck is going on here? I understand the basic premis of lewdity, particularly as Liverpool has a strong conservative Catholic influence. I'm not sure how it got to be a big problem in the cold rainy climate of the city though, I can only think it was to do with clubs and theatres. But what's going on with that exemption for tropical fish store clerks? Whoever the girl in the Liverpool Tropical Fish Store was at the time must have had a fantastic pair of tits and the law makers just couldn't bring themselves to rule it out.

I must say the girls in the Liverpool branch of 'Pets at Home' megastore were not very friendly when I told them it would be okay for them to go topless.

Pictures: The original tropical fish clerk - "d'ya wan any fish like?", The Liver Building, Daughter of Liverpool Danielle Lloyd and a lovely pair of beautiful specimens.