At the weekend 15 of us went camping on a farmers field. The facilities consisted of a toilet block which was 200 yards down the road and that was it. I didn't discover that toilet block until Saturday.
It was our first chance to use our new tent outside of our garden - see picture above in which I have included a 2pence coin to show how big it is. Unfortunately it was an enourmous 2p coin and I also have a very big thumb. I thought the other two families were camping experts that we could learn from, but it turned out we were all quite new to it - especially to the type of camping with so little facilities.
Soon after we arrived, at about 7pm on Friday night, I set off back out in the car to find water. The sign at the gate of the field said pay at the farm and there was an arrow to the left. I drove down the road and a very short distance there was a sign for a farm and I turned onto a very bumpy track that nearly wrecked my car. I passed one house that was for sale, it didn't look very farm like, and then another that looked too posh to be a farm and then the track got even more bumpy. I wondered if I might get stuck but was feeling a bit gung ho so I ventured on.
Finally I arrived at a ramshackled set of buildings that were definately a farm, there was a dog barking its head off but otherwise the place was eerily deserted. I walked around the fenced garden of the farmhouse, trying to calm the dog as I went and walked up the mud track a little further. I heard a snuffle in a delapidated barn and turned to see a single pig lying in the dark. I thought maybe the farmer was out and I would look round for some water but I couldn't find any so I headed back to my car - with the dog barking all the while.
Just before I reached my car I heard the creak of a door behind me and swung round to see a woman with matted grey wild looking hair and a shotgun under her arm. "Whatchoo waant?" she barked like her dog. "I just came for some water" I said slightly raising my hands (I had learned what to do from the movies!). "I thought we were camping in your field" I added.
"Caamping? Pergh!" she said - "You should be back there" she pointed with a gnarled finger "go to 'da howse at de end of me drive on the left".
"yes - sorry" I said, well it is hard to remember what I said, as I was very scared. As I drove away I slightly ducked my head down as if my headrest would stop the shot from the gun (I also learned this from the movies).
The house I should have gone to was the one that I thought had looked too 'posh' before. I pulled into the drive and tentatively called out hello - there were dogs barking at each other here too. I saw someone up on a balcony or roof terrace area of a property that was opposite the main house and I said "Hello, I think we're camping on your field?" "No, I wish" said the guy in shorts - "we're just renting this place from them and they've gone to the pub". I explained that I wanted some water and the guy replied that the farmer had said there was an outside tap down where I was standing. I found the tap, filled the two water containers and headed back to the field.
Despite the lack of facilities and the life threatening neighbours, I still had a good time. The best thing was the fantastic views of the Derbyshire Peaks from the high vantage points. We went climbing up high and ate wild blueberries while the children played on the rock formations, which made them look just like baboons you might see in a safari park.
There was a downside, I did feel an underlying bed of tension that I would imagine happens in the Big Brother house. Mainly was absoutely my own problem, because I was worried about what other people were thinking about how much I was helping out or the lack of facilities. I think I spent 20% of the time I was awake washing up though, so some contribution there, but I was always worried that I was making myself cups of tea without offering everyone else. No big deal, but I think I measure myself by being able to make tea for other people.
One advantage of not having lots of facilities on the camp site was that we were able to have a real fire. Although all the signs said no fires, barbeques only. The signs actually said BBQs in drippy paint and they were placed everywhere you might go to collect wood, if you were prepared to brave what must've also been the natural emergency toilet areas. But we had approval from the farmer to have a real fire, as long as it was raised off the ground in a fire pit, which we had.
On saturday night, everyone was quite tired and went to bed fairly early but I stayed up to watch the fire and make my selfish teas. Earlier in the evening the grass under the firepit has ignited and I'd had to stamp it out in a hurry, burning my leg in the process. I felt a bit like this event had worried one of our number as they slept in their tent, near to my fire, and I think they might have sent their husband out to make sure I was going to put it out.
Anyway I had a lovely chat with this fellow who I think might have been sent out to check on me, somehow we got onto wondering how man or his ancestors discovered fire as we watched.
In the absense of the internet I started proposing my own theories. I say without internet but if the battery on an iPhone was any better than useless I could have enjoyed the glorious 3G light that the farmers field was unexpectedly bathed in.
Fire had obviously existed naturally and probably been something to be feared my mans ancestor to start with. It might have occured from lightening storms, forest fires or (most controllable) areas where lava was close to the surface.
My first theory was that it was an accidental thing - some cave men types would probably have discovered a crispy deer in an area where there'd been a forest fire and thought "Ug this is goood stuff" - "Ug I need that red fire." "Ug - I'm tired of monkeying around."
[About that Jungle Book song - Louis the Orang Utang is obviously an ape rather than a monkey and to sing 'I'm tired of monkeying around' would be at best inappropriate and at worst downright racist and inciteful to his kind.=
Then I thought it was unlikely that man chose to harness the power of fire just to cook food. Surely they had it for warmth and protection from the animals who remained fearful of fire, and the discovery of cooking food came from someone carrying food tripping and dropping the food in the fire. Then all the others said
"Ugg DAVE! Ug I can't believe you dropped all the flesh in the red burny"
and then they beat Dave with a club and pushed him in the fire - later good flesh and crispy Dave was enjoyed by all. Later after much fun and dancing, much goo was spashed up the wall. (callback to a previous post Sperm Wars).
As we mused about how fire was discovered I suddenly realised there was someone standing behind me - "harvin' a good toim?" It was the Farmer. We chatted for a while about what we'd been up to and paid the farmer for our stay (very reasonable £2 per person per night).
It transpired that the house I had gone to for the water wasn't his farm at all - he was further down the main road. I explained where I got the water from, "the new looking brick house down that track" you could see the beginning of the track from where we were.
"Oh yes, the one at the end" said the farmer "Well no - not quite at the end" I said "the track keeps going after that house and there's another farm there".
"Oh yes" he said and then he paused, I could here him breathing through his nose.
"Well there used to be, but noone's liven there since crazy ol' Dorothy Frederick died"
Now I don't know if the farmer didn't know that someone was living there now, or if I'd seen Dorothy on Friday night but I wasn't going back to find out.
I did a little dance in front of the fire that night. In the style of Tales of the Unexpected.
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