How to teleport using a Pot Noodle in a carrier bag.

I was away on business once and rather than eat alone in a restaurant, I did that terribly unhealthy thing of smuggling stuff back to my room to eat. I had trecked up to a McDonalds that I'd seen earlier in the day, but it was closed, so I had ended up getting pot noodles and junk food, which I was carrying in a plastic carrier bag.

On this journey back to my digs I started wondering, if "cold hands, warm heart" was true, were all hand characteristics opposite in heart terms? Small Hands, Big Heart? Trembling Hands, Still Heart? Are all heart attacks caused by defensive hands? I thought I could start making my hands very unhealthy to save on my Shredded Wheat bills and ensure a long life.

Perhaps, I thought, the "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" is a more appropriate basis for a rule that could be extended and transferred to other scenarios. So I had a look in a bush, but could only see two disgarded carrier bags - then I realised there was one carrier bag in my hand, and presumably no carrier bags in my heart! There could be something in this.

Then there was "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" to consider. I was absent from home so as my heart was growing fonder for my home and family. It follows that my hands were getting 'less fond', and meanwhile in the bush, fondness was depleting at twice the rate it was in my hands (two in the bush to one in the hand).
Then in an instant, the vacuum created by the rapidly depleting fondness in the bush, sucked air into the bush, blowing out one of the carrier bags.

This made half the amount of air suck into my hand making the carrier bag split exactly in two (because there was now only one bag in the bush, so half in my hand). The pot noodle and junk food spilled over the floor.

For some reason though, this didn't get me down. This was probably because now that my hand was empty, my heart was full, reducing fondness and all of a sudden I was transported back home - I was no longer absent.

And that was the day I discovered how to teleport using a carrier bag, a pot noodle and a certain homesick feeling.

"Home is where the heart is" they say, and this was now literally true.