Right Wing Fish Tank

There are two fish living in my study - they're called Happy and Lippy and we won them at a hook-a-duck stall and took them away in a plastic bag.

When we got them home, having spent £25 on the equipment to house these otherwise 'free' fish, I had an inspiring plan to get a return on my investment and have more influence over public policy with this hotch-potch of a Government, that nobody voted for, but who were about to go ballistic on the economy's ass.

Yes - I was going to set up one of these Right Wing Think Tanks that had the ear of the Government and were the source of some of the craziest ideas that were lining up to get implemented as policy. My plan was to appear Right Wing but to subvert more progressive ideas in the details. I already had the tank - now I needed the thinking.

I needed to give the fish an education and I did this by balancing my Economics text books up against the side of the tank - showing them one page per day, being careful not to rush them.

Now, I didn't think that either fish was of any particular political persuasion, more like a blank canvas waiting to be influenced and I wanted to use this to my advantage.


But then Lippy, the smaller of the two fish, started showing signs of being a bit too Party Political 'Liberal Democrat'. It came on slowly at first, Lippy would float right next to the other fish in supportive manner, as if a protege, he seemed to look up to the more confident 'Happy' but acted assertive in his own right - looking right out into the room and fighting for his turn at the food flakes. Eventually, however, the condition became critical and over a period of time Lippy went yellow, finally gave up all together and died.

Lippy was called Lippy because he had black marks around his mouth, like some kind of Goth/Punk lipstick. He belonged to my three year old daughter, so when Lippy died we opted out of the death conversation and pretended Lippy was having a sleep underneath the shell at the bottom of the tank. This 'sleep' lasted about a week, after which Lippy emerged, now slightly larger than Happy and without the lipstick. A bit like Jesus in a way - he did something with two fishes once didn't he?

Finally I could get back to my programme of creating a right wing think tank and there was no time to waste. During Lippy's sickness and 'sleeping time', we had already missed all of the Party Political Conferences, a new leader for Labour, several 'independent' reviews into Policy areas and even some leaked policies ahead of the Comprehensive Spending Review, which now loomed like an emaciated spectre in the shadows.

The new Lippy learned fast and, what was more, he kept Happy on her toes. My new dream team really got into their stride, bouncing ideas off each other, working into the wee hours of the morning. We brainstormed a mood board, developed a strategy and really got our shit together.

Pictured above - the Dream Team hold a focus group that got particularly animated!

Fortunately 'Pets at Home' had convinced us that we must have filter to clean the water, so working into the wee hours and getting our shit together was not a problem.

One morning I came down stairs, walked into the study and there on my desk was a soaking wet document - With our proud logo emblazoned on the front and the title of the report.

The Institute of FishCool Studies
What is wrong with the world Vol.1.

I have never been so proud - now I had to get it read by 'The Powers That Be'

Find out what happened next time on...
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